Oh, hi, I didn’t hear you come in. It’s me, your Aunt Freckle. Guess what, you’re in luck. I’m going to be reading questions that you wrote in! By the way, like the bangs?
“I got dumped. What’s the best revenge?”
So you got dumped. Well, you came to the right place. The first thing you gotta do is fuck his brother, or his dad. An easy thing to do, I would say, to really humiliate him, is get a subscription to Hustler or Guns and Ammo—make him look like a real right-winger, you know—and have it mailed to his office or place of business.
“Is Tinder still a good way to meet people?”
What the hell is Tinder? Whatever happened to the old-school days, when you went to a bar, had three shots, and woke up with a fellow you couldn’t remember?
I think the best way to introduce yourself to someone is Downward Facing Dog. Naked. But make sure it’s consensual, because consent is sexy.
“I’m having buyer’s remorse about my mesh bodysuit. Help!”
Let’s get one thing straight: Freckle doesn’t believe in remorse. I want you to put on that mesh bodysuit. I want you to put on a little, a little shoop shoop song by Cher. You know, “Does he love me / I wanna know / how can you tell if he loves me so?”
And I want you to send it to me. And I’m gonna post it. And it’s gonna go VIRAL.
What do you think of this lipstick? Do you think it makes me look like a whore? Should we get to another question?
“How can I give my life meaning?”
Sometimes you just gotta take a tequila shot, an espresso shot, a sparkling water with some pineapple juice and a Tito’s shot, and dance till you just can’t dance! NO MORE.
Konichiwa.
“What’s the best way to slide into someone’s DMs?”
The eternal question of love. I have always learned you get more pies with honey, catch more flies with sugar. The point is, just tell him you like him. Slip into those DMs. Just don’t send a dick pic.
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