Intro1:
Oh! You scared me. I didn’t hear you come in. You know me, just taking a nice little power nap. As I always say, 12 hours a night and three during the day to keep the doctor away.
Intro2:
Oh, hi! It’s me again, your Aunt Freckle answering your questions for Damn Joan.
Question 1:
Let’s answer a question, shall we?
[Placard: I think my house is haunted. Any ghostbusting advice?]
I’ve never been scared of ghosts, not when—not no way, not no how. They’re your friends! They’re probably just trying to get your attention. Talk to them! Right, Regina? Because they’re not the physical plane, they can’t touch you—that’s your power. But they’ll try to fuck with you. So love ‘em and let them guide your spirits and guide your way. They’re your friends.
Question 2:
Another question, shall we?
[Placard: How do you keep your heart open in this cruel world?]
Let me tell you something: It’s not easy. But it’s not excruciatingly difficult, either. What works for me is mantras. I found a mantra that worked for me and this is how it goes. My purpose on this planet is to focus all my energy into love and to light up the world with it. Ahh, there’s the light.
Question 3:
[Placard: My friends are still fighting over Bernie and Hillary. How do I make them stop?]
First, why do I even know who those people are? Oh, wait a minute. Isn’t Hillary that strong, powerful woman married to Bill? Or was that Monica Lewinsky? Anyway, I think Bernie’s a Green Party candidate, yes? He wants social reform and Hillary’s a woman. So follow your bliss and don’t get involved with the small stuff. And remember: In the words of Judy Garland, “Behind every cloud...is another cloud.”
Question 4:
[Placard: Am I a fool for trying a home pedicure?]
Oof. You want to do a pedicure at home? I don’t think that’s a good idea at all. What if you slip and slice a toe off or get a hangnail or...sometimes you’ve just got to treat yourself. They do such good work. We’ve got to learn to let people treat us. Find somebody to take you to get your nails done. I believe in you.
Question 5:
[Placard: Backpack, clutch, or handbag?]
I say wear ’em all! For instance, I got this bag, it’s called a world map because I never know where I’m going but up. I’ve also got this one: It’s invisible, meaning you can see through it, which I think give the town a spook, put a bottle of booze and a dildo. I don’t go anywhere without my Clare V. clutch. I mean, where am I supposed to put my phone with my skintight jeans? And, if you like a rolly backpack, why not make a scene wherever you are? Sometimes you got a lot to offer so you’re gonna need many looks. Besides—oop, nip slip. Is it? I don’t know. Is it?